Remember that time someone asked a favor of you and then insulted you behind your back? If you’re like me, your next thought probably included an obscene word followed by a vow to never help this person out. Offense and resentment can work similarly in the dating world, where an insult is the best way to end a date prematurely or to prevent one from being arranged. Continue reading to find out why women don’t respond to online messages.
Insulting Your Way to Her Heart… and Why Women Don’t Respond to Online Messages
I had begun a conversation with Anthony from Tinder. Although Tinder is known as “Grinder for straight folks”—aka a hookup app—I’ve found enjoyable conversations with men there, even when our desired outcomes differed. For the most part, some men who are interested only in hooking up are respectful or just end the conversation.
Well, Anthony and I began a fairly typical conversation with the “What do you do?” and “Tell me about your job” small talk. This led to a discussion about our plans for that specific day. No biggie right? Well, in the midst of this mundane conversation, Anthony asks, “Whatcha doing tonight?” Tonight being in the 10 o’clock hour after I had told him previously I was meeting friends for dinner. I can be forgiving of short-term memory and inability to scroll a few messages up. I repeated my prior plans of dinner and my current plan of reading in bed. The following is typed exactly as it was in our online conversation.
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In my practice, and in life in general, I’ve often heard men complain women don’t respond to online messages or women not engaging in conversation. I wondered if men realized how their female counterparts experience online ‘courtship’ rituals. With my most recent online and app dating experience, I decided I would start a series of posts sharing a few reasons why women don’t respond to online messages. You’ll also find strategies for communication and online correspondence that might lead to more online dating successes.
First and Foremost, Read Her Profile
Sometimes men are inclined to send replies to women without first reading their profiles. While this impulse seems to take advantage of the ‘low risk, low commitment’ culture of online dating, it communicates something different to the recipient, especially women: you aren’t interested in the profile she took the time and consideration to ‘put out there’, only in her picture. The first order of business is to read the potential match’s profile. If you’re interested, send a thought-provoking and conversation-starting message about something you found interesting, want to know more about, or share in common. For instance, my profile clearly asks for men to send more than just a “hey” or “what’s up,” as I’m more likely to respond when I see that someone is showing interest in me and has taken the time to read what I had to say.
The Longer the Better
Another good rule of thumb is to send a message like you would an e-mail. Raise your hand if you just e-mail a person with “Hey,” and nothing else. I hope no one raised a hand. I realize that many online dating sites now allow instant messaging, though not everyone uses the feature or has time to constantly check messages from potential matches. Longer, more conversational messages get the dialogue going faster than a volley of “hey” and “how are you” that could spread across several days. Also, for many people, it can be as awkward to respond to a non-commital “hey.” Craft a response that pays genuine attention to a person’s profile. When you do the latter, you signal that you value reciprocity, easing the inevitable first-message tensions and increasing your likelihood of getting a reply.
Here are two tips to get you started! Subscribe to the blog so you don’t miss my next post about how insults are reasons why women don’t respond to online messages.
Thank you for teaching me how to love myself better and to grow in this world that throws a curveball whenever I least expect it. But now, it’s time for us to part, and I need you to let go so I can continue to grow and become an even more healthy person than I already am.
You are not the overbearing, clingy-type who is following me on social media to see where I am and who I’m with. You are not the possessive type who does not want any other person to enjoy my company and is keeping me locked away from the world…
This blog is a spinoff from my Spice Up Your Date Night blog. For all kinds of reasons, any couple can get into a sexual rut. If allowed to persist, these ruts can lead to mixed signals in the bedroom, less frequent sex, sometimes even no sex at all! Here are few tips that have helped my clients revive their sexually struggling relationships.
Go to Bed Angry AND Get It On!
Angry sex is acceptable and enjoyable! Most people believe we “can’t go to bed angry” or “sex will make him/her think all forgiven.” False! Sex is a natural behavior for humans. The part of the brain that is triggered by anger is the same part triggered during sex. Therefore, it’s natural to want sex when angry even if you haven’t made up. Another benefit of angry sex is focusing a bit more on your own needs than your partner’s needs. As I discuss with many clients, it’s all right to be a little selfish in bed at times! Plus, during this moment, you might focus a little more on yourself, which is also acceptable.
That Old Trunk Holds WHAT?
No one likes eating the same thing every night! Wink wink. One way to add variety and spice to your sexual diet is to be adventurous with different toys or activities. For example, create an adult toy box with your partner. Regularly add to the toy box, and replace when things get worn out. And no adult toy is pleasurable with dust all over it: don’t forget to use the toy box on a regular basis. Do you find yourself ‘forgetting’ about using those toys or feeling embarrassed talking about using the toys? Create a code word or system to let your partner know you’re excited to use a certain toy. I suggest clients put the toy on top of the toy box, on the bed, or another place to indicate to your partner you want to play!
Not Your Average Romantic Getaway
Not into toys or curious about a more advanced activity? Find an adult workshop in your area such as a couple’s retreat to build more intimacy and closeness, a tantra workshop to tap into your inner sexuality, or a kink workshop to learn ‘the ropes’ of bondage.
Many of my clients have also had success planning a sexcation: a vacation centered around sex and intimacy! Book a nice cabin in the woods or a ritzy hotel room for the weekend. Pack your favorite toys and sexy outfits (or no outfits at all!), leave your phone(s) and other devices off, and enjoy the time with your partner. To spice things up even more, plan your own spa times giving and receiving massages or facials! Who says you need to leave the room on vacation?
Kick Aging in the Butt!
You and your partner aren’t as young as you once were though that doesn’t mean your sex life has to suffer. Don’t let aging get in the way of your sex life! Talk to your doctor or sex therapist if there are changes in erectile functioning or if vaginal pain occurs. Yes, I know it’s embarrassing talking about these issues with your doctor, but it’s important! Although many causes of male and female sexual dysfunction are harmless, some sources could cause more long-term damage or chronic medical conditions. Especially as we age, it’s vital to stay on top of all medical issues, not just sexual ones, because we have a more difficult time recovering. Have you started a new medication and noticed a decline in sexual desire or function? Talk to your doctor as well. Making a small adjustment to a medication or trying a different medication is all it takes to resume a great sex life.
I work with many clients on embracing the present and learning a “new normal” for sexual functioning. Our bodies might not work like they did 10 or 20 years ago – but they still work! Embrace your age and change. Sometimes, it’s easier to accept the present than to try to replicate the past. After accepting the body’s new normal, many clients create a new and satisfying sex life with their partners and themselves!
Make Sex a Priority
Let the house stay dirty! Who wants to waste time and energy on boring chores when you can have sex?! We often get caught up in our daily routine that puts sex on the back burner. Before you know it, a month has gone by without sex! Of course, we need to take care of ourselves and our households, but sex is as important a part of a household being ‘whole’ as buying groceries, cleaning the kitchen, mowing the lawn. Indeed, sex is more important, because the intimacy that sex is part of is the whole reason we choose to have partners, to live and grow with them, in the first place. The chores will always be there, but time for sex may be limited, by schedules, children, medical conditions, or work. Even better, make a sexy game or reward out of the chores! The guests won’t know what really happened in the bathroom!
For most men, meeting the right woman is an idea that’s nice in theory, but not top priority for quite some time, especially during your 20s when you’re building your career. But whether you credit meeting your girlfriend to the universe, chance luck, some online dating site or to nothing at all, when you reach that point when you’re ready to take it from Facebook official to legally binding — it’s a big step.
In fact, that one question is what’s so essential — and no, not the one you’ll ask her — ‘will you marry me?’ but the one you’ll be asking yourself: ‘how will I ask her to marry me?!’
While a spontaneous proposal has it’s merit, most men have to think carefully, do some research, examine their finances and ya know, make sure that it’ll be a special memory for their relationship, and a story to tell their families (and ahem, future children). Figuring out how to propose doesn’t have to be so anxiety-provoking that you take all the magic out of the once-in-a-lifetime moment, though.
Here, relationship experts and therapists give you their best advice on how to approach, plan and consider your game plan for getting on one knee and hoping for forever…
The on going battle between the sexes is masturbation…the new “leaving the seat up or down” fight. Many clients schedule appointments over “sex addiction.” Once in my office, the couple reveals one partner’s desire for self-pleasure and the other partner’s dissatisfaction with this behavior.
To Masturbate or Not to Masturbate
Well, ladies and gents, I’m here to help relieve the anxiety and fighting. First, masturbation is a healthy and normal behavior for both men and women. It is unclear at exactly what age masturbation begins. However, reports show male babies touching their genitals in the womb and all babies showing interest with “what’s down there” while infants and toddlers. Although our genitals main function is for reproduction, stimulation of the genital areas (including the anus) can create a soothing or calming sensation. Some cultures rub babies genitals in order to calm them while other cultures rub a baby’s butt to calm them. Therefore, we learn from an early age that “what’s down there” feels good. However, as we grow and show more interest in our genitals, we are often scolded. Many times, we begin to associate our genitals with shame or stigma.
At what age does one begin to masturbate? Very few studies report on infancy and early childhood sexual development and behaviors. However, The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) studied males and females from ages 14-70+ regarding a range of sexual behaviors including solo masturbation and
masturbation with a partner. In this study, 62% of males ages 14-15 reported masturbating. Male masturbation rate increased until age 40 when the rate began to decrease again…though not by much compared to females. The study also revealed that 40% of females ages 14-15 reported masturbating with slight increases until age 30-39. Female masturbation rate begins to decrease after age 39. This study also shows that males are more likely to masturbate with a partner than females and the percentages are much lower than solo masturbation.
Why Masturbation becomes the Enemy
Many societies create negative connotations around masturbation. We learn it is a “dirty” activity for “horny boys.” Girls receive messages that masturbation or touching their genitals is “not lady like,” and sexual play is for marriage or only with a partner. Therefore, our brains are embedded with messages that men can masturbate until they have a partner, and women have no need for masturbation or sexual pleasure without a partner. Once two people couple up, there is this expectation that the male will completely cease masturbation, only masturbate seldom, or masturbate when his partner is not available. Many women will also internalize a sense of worthlessness if her partner masturbates instead of seeks her out for sex. However, masturbation and intercourse are two different activities just like fried chicken is different from sushi. I enjoy both fried chicken and sushi and would hate if a new partner told me I couldn’t eat either or both anymore.
Jokes aside, it is acceptable for women to feel disappointment if her mate pleasures himself and she was hoping for playtime with him. This is not masturbation’s fault though a lack of communication about each other’s needs. Going back to my food analogy, remember that your partner engaged in activities (including masturbation) prior to your relationship. Just like you both probably ate fried chicken and sushi before the relationship. Instead of asking your partner to completely eliminate an enjoyable activity, let’s look at how masturbation can benefit your health and relationship.
Benefits of Masturbation
1. Stress relief: One of the biggest benefits of masturbation is alleviating stress through the release of endorphins or the “happy” chemical.” This applies to both men and women.
2. Self-exploration: Masturbation also always men and women to explore their bodies and learn new erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are areas of our body that increase sexual arousal. Since all bodies are not alike, what stimulates one person may not even affect another person. Therefore, I encourage clients to use masturbation as a time to learn about their own bodies in order to teach your partner. Just like women are encouraged to perform at home breast exams, masturbation can also help you find possible medical concerns such as a new lump or tender spot.
3. Improve erectile dysfunction (ED): Like many other body parts, the penis can atrophy if not used. Many men seek therapy reporting difficulty obtaining or maintaining an erection. More times than not, they report lack of sexual intercourse and minimal masturbation. Once we discuss the function of the penis, I encourage increasing masturbation and men report a significant difference in ability to obtain and maintain an erection. Masturbation also helps with premature ejaculation. The longer a man goes without sex, the quicker he may ejaculate due to the renewal of stimulation and pleasure with arousal. He may also feel a
loss of control with less frequent orgasms whether with masturbation or intercourse. Although this could be a one-time instance, anxiety could arise exacerbating further sexual encounters. Therefore, masturbation allows a man to maintain a sense of control and prolong ejaculation.
4. More Exciting Sex: Masturbation is a form of sexual behavior and activity. Although many people associate it with an “alone time” activity, partner masturbation can be extremely fun and erotic. Partner masturbation could be oral sex on your partner or stimulating yourself with your partner watching. Couples can also introduce sex toys for added fun and to help prolong your playtime session together. Sex toys can do the work while you rest and get ready for the next round. Many clients complain about either their sex life entering a rut or not being aroused before intercourse. Partner masturbation not only spices things up but can help prepare both partners for intercourse. Orgasms are beneficial for women as it can relax the vaginal muscles to prevent tightness upon entry. Masturbation can also help the penis become fully erect by helping pull blood into the penis.
Interested in adding masturbation into your sexual play script? Click the toys below to get the party started!
As a sex therapist, I’m always asked about sex positions. I also provide feedback for clients who may be engaging in positions not appropriate for comfort and well being of one or both partners. In this post we will explore positions and their benefits. For those readers who are visual learners, Carvaka Sex Toys created an infograph to better visual these and many more positions.
The G What?!?!
One position, and a very popular position for some couples, is the “G Whiz.” This position will be described using a heterosexual couple, though this can be tried by a female couple with a strap on. The female partner lies on a platform that is hip height to her male partner. The male is standing facing her while positioning her legs over his shoulders. Named for the G-Spot, this position allows for maximum g-spot stimulation increasing chance of female, internal orgasm. Men particularly like this position as they can get a deeper feel and thrust. The “
G Whiz” also gives men more control over thrusting and therefore is not recommended for women who need to control the speed and depth of thrusting. Dr. Shelley DiCecco, PT, PhD, CLT-LANA with The Sports Rehabilitation Center based in Atlanta – and a very special guest on my “Let’s Talk Sex” podcast – advises women and men, especially those with pelvic or hip concerns, to avoid having legs over their partner’s shoulders. Dr. Shelley shares that this position increases “the rotation on the pelvis bones, the iliums, and increases the curve/pressure on the low back.” She also states the “G Whiz” increases the shearing or rotational stress on the iliums which can cause or increase pain. A person with low back or disc problems may have increased pain in the back and down into the legs, the Sciatica, with both legs and/or one leg over a partner’s shoulder.” Dr. Shelley also states the “G Whiz” can “increase the pain experienced internally by the female partner…” Dr. Shelley and I both recommend that if you or your partner experience any pain during sex, an evaluation from a physical therapist or other doctor is needed to rule out any medical conditions. For those who particularly enjoy the “G Whiz”, don’t give it up yet! Try legs around your partner’s waist as this gives a similar feel for the male though is better for women’s pelvis, hips, and back.
Here Kitty Kitty…
If you are looking for a position where the woman has more control with more pleasure,
check out the CAT (Coital Alignment Technique).According to Men’s Health and the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, the CAT increases female orgasm by 56%! The position is similar to traditional missionary position, though the man positions his chest near the woman’s shoulder instead of face to face as with missionary. This position can also work for both a heterosexual couple or female couple with a strap on. First, both partners position themselves into a standard missionary with woman lying on her back and the man on top. If two women try this position, the partner with the strap-on is on top. Now, the man or top partner will move his/her body slightly to one side so you are no longer face-to-face and your partner’s chest is aligned with your shoulder. The thrusting motion is the other factor for this position to increase female pleasure. Instead of thrusting in and out, the male/top partner will thrust up and down. Imagine thrusting from floor to ceiling instead of headboard to footboard. This allows for more stimulation of the clit with the up and down movement. Due to the change in body alignment and thrusting movement, I recommend trying this position slowly, at first, to prevent injury.
Would You Like a Cherry on Top?
Another position to increase female pleasure and control is the Banana Split, also called the Scissors or Sideways Straddle. I like the name Banana Split best! This position can be performed with a heterosexual or female couple using a strap on. Other than sounding
delicious, this position allows the female or top partner more control over speed and depth. According to Dr. Shelley, “Women with pelvic pain can experience pain with initial penetration, pain with deep penetration, and/or pain for one or more hours post intercourse. The pain can be in one or more of the following areas: the vagina or genital area, in the low back, in the buttocks, at the sacroiliac joint, or she may also experience a pressure symptom across the abdomen… By controlling speed and depth, the woman can minimize the pain experienced during intercourse.” The Banana Split also allows for more grinding action and the use of the male or top partner’s thigh to stimulate the clit. To get into this position,the maleor top partner lies on his or her back with feet flat on the bed or other supportive surface. The female or bottom partner positions herself facing away from her partner’s face while straddling her partner’s thigh with one leg between his legs and the other leg on the outside. If the male or bottom partner is an “ass man or woman,” this position allows for a great rear view!
This Isn’t Child’s Play…
Finally, if you and your partner are adventurous and in good physical shape, check out the Wheelbarrow. This position is just like the game we played in elementary school except our clothes are now off! The male partner enters from the rear while holding the female’s legs, and the female uses upper body and core strength to stabilize. This position allows the male more thrusting control so communication about comfort level is encouraged between partners. If watching yourself is enjoyable, the male also has a better view of himself entering his partner. When trying this position for the first time, I encourage a practice round with clothes on to prevent injury. As this position needs a strong upper body and core strength for the female partner, please consult with a medical provider.
To find out more about these and other positions as well as Dr. Shelley’s advice, take a listen to the Let’s Talk Sex podcast episodes 5 and 14! If you are in the Atlanta area and experiencing painful intercourse, click here to schedule with Dr. Shelley or her associates. Interested in learning more about Strap On play? Check out this great infograph from our friends over the pond at CarVaka Sex Toys.